《拉薩情書》

第三章、加州大學柏克萊分校裡的倉央‧安妮
01
加州大學柏克萊分校，始建於1873年，古色古香的鏤空青銅雕花校門牌坊，在陽光裡反射出古樸的金屬光芒。藝術學院大樓的圖書室裡，博士生倉央．安妮在書架間查閱佛教壁畫資料，意外發現一本以英文和藏文寫成的《西藏密宗壁畫浮屠圖冊》。
好奇的安妮自言自語：「1960年9月，倉央．卓瑪？是祖母寫的書…」
安妮翻閱了幾頁，書裡有一幅祖母和幼年時父親的合照，安妮專注地看著。

02
柏克萊大學城郊區，林蔭街道寬闊整齊，家家戶戶都有庭院和草坪，倉央．安尼的家就在這裡。
臥房裡書桌前，安妮專心翻閱這本《西藏密宗壁畫浮屠圖冊》。
深夜，安妮疲累趴睡桌上。母親Grace帶件外套進來，披在安妮身上，發現桌上這本書，把它抽出來，將安妮扶回床上。
Grace帶走這本書，回房間裡翻閱了幾頁。
Grace自言自語說：「安妮想回去中國？」

03
早晨，安妮醒來，發現桌上的那本圖冊不見了。
安妮心想：「是媽拿走的…。」
安妮走到餐廳，早餐三明治和鮮奶擺在餐桌上，Grace正在清理流理台。
「媽，我那本圖冊呢？」
「在我臥房書桌上。」Grace轉過身來，解下圍裙。
「安妮，妳想回去中國，找妳父親？」
安妮點頭說：「我一直有這個念頭，媽。」
「唉！該來的總是會來。」Grace坐下來，面對安妮，雙手握著安妮的一隻手，表情悲淒地說：「幾個月後，我就不在了！」
安妮表情驚駭問：「媽，妳怎麼突然說這話？」
「醫生說我腦裡長的惡性腫瘤，情況已經失控。」
「那，先前妳為什麼不跟我說實話？」安妮語帶責備。
Grace眼眸含淚：「媽不想妳操心啊！等我走後，妳就回去中國，和札希團聚。」

04
一部救護車來到倉央家門口，司機停車。後座走出醫護人員，拉下一張病床
，推過庭院。安妮站在門口，拉開木門，醫護人員進到屋裡。幾個鄰居好奇地在一旁觀看。
醫護人員攙扶Grace走下階梯，讓Grace躺上病床。醫護人員和司機一起將病床推上救護車。安妮站在後頭，俯身摸著Grace臉頰。
「媽，我隨後就去陪妳。」
安妮後退幾步，司機蓋上後車廂，繞回到駕駛座。安妮目送救護車離開，鄰居圍過來關切。
「安妮，Grace怎麼了？」
「腦癌後期。」
「妳送她去安寧病房嗎？」
安妮點頭，眼裡泛著淚光。

05
安妮手上捧著一只文件夾，帶著博士論文計畫，進到所長室。
「Uncle，這是我的博士論文計畫。」安妮把文件夾呈給所長。
「好，我看看。」李建華翻閱論文，瀏覽了一會兒說：「《佛教密宗壁畫浮圖的美學觀》，這題目可以，就是搜集匯整資料比較花時間。」
安妮隨即遞出那本圖冊：「這本《拉薩密宗壁畫浮屠圖冊》是我在圖書室找到的。」
李建華欣慰地微笑說：「原來如此，妳想繼續妳祖母卓瑪的研究？」
安妮點頭說：「嗯！」
「這篇研究論文，妳計畫如何完成？」
「回去西藏故鄉，利用幾個月時間，進行實物考察和田野訪查。」
「妳應該去找妳父親，他熟悉西藏文化和宗教，是這方面的專家。」
「嗯，可是，我怎麼找到他？」
「妳去到成都藝術大學藝術系，就找得到他，他在那裡任教。安妮，Grace近況好嗎？」
安妮幽幽地說：「我送她去天主教會的安寧病房了。」
「啊？妳知道她的病情了？」
「嗯，媽自己告訴我的，她讓我回去中國找我父親。」
「Grace不想妳操心，一直隱瞞妳。她在聖心教會的照護醫院嗎？」
「嗯，昨天剛送去。」
「下班後，我會去探望她。大學時代，札希、Grace和我三個人，一起讀書做研究，妳父親札希是個才華洋溢的才子詩人，擅長寫情詩譜曲，因而擄獲Grace的芳心。」
安妮語帶幽怨說：「可是，我父親卻狠心拋下妻女，自己回去中國。」
李建華表情尷尬說：「這…，其中有段故事，妳回去中國之前，我會讓妳知道原因。」

06
安寧病房裡，Grace手腕上插著針頭，床頭吊著點滴，Grace正在沉睡。
一旁的安妮，手捧那本圖冊閱讀著。
李建華輕敲門，安妮起身去開門，建華手上提著兩罐奶粉和一籃水果。兩人走到床邊。
李建華輕聲說：「讓她休息，妳別叫醒她。我待一會兒就離開。」
李建華在椅子上坐下來，望著Grace，眼裡流露著一份愛憐。
安妮留意到李建華的表情，心裡隱約猜想著他和母親之間，似乎不僅只是老朋友…。

07
Grace病情惡化，陷入昏迷，教會醫院護士通知安妮前來。
安妮講完手機，隨即出門，開車趕到醫院。醫生和護士站在病床旁，安妮側臥在病床邊，手摸著母親Grace臉頰，對母親孤獨的後半生無限悲憫。
此時，Grace突然甦醒說：「安妮，不要埋怨妳父親札希，是我對不起他。」
「媽…」安妮不想母親牽掛著。
「安妮，回去中國找到札希，跟你父親一起完成卓瑪生前的心願，取回那卷倉央．嘉措的手抄本情詩集。」
「我會跟著父親，一起完成祖母遺願的，媽。」
Grace望著安妮，面對微笑，緩緩閉上眼睛。

08
郊區墓園，牧師主持Grace的葬禮。
牧師唸完弔唁文，倉央．安妮在棺木上放上花圈。
李建華手裡捧著一束白色百合花，當棺木放進墓穴，建華把那束百合花撒在棺木上，雙腳跪地掩臉哭泣，喃喃低語。一旁的安妮等他放開雙手，就靠近攙扶他起來。
葬禮結束後，安妮和李建華、諸親友緩緩走出墓園。
李建華交給安妮一只牛皮紙袋。「安妮，那紙袋裡有妳父親札希寫給我的信。看完那些信，不要再埋怨妳父親，因為做錯事的人是我。」
安妮打開紙袋，看見幾封信和一疊現金紙鈔。「Uncle…。」
李建華說：「安妮，我知道妳手頭並不寬裕，這筆錢妳帶在身上，回去中國時用得到。」
安妮點頭。

09
李建華開車，陪安妮來到機場航廈出境大廳。兩人下車，安妮拉出行李，拖在地上。李建華陪她走進航廈出境大廳，來到通關口。
「安妮，到了成都見到札希，幫我跟他問候。」
「安妮點頭。李建華擁抱安妮，親吻她的額頭。」
李建華目送安妮通關，向安妮揮手。

10
飛機艙裡座位上，安妮讀著父親札希給李建華的信。讀完父親的信件，安妮開始同情父親札希，心裡對父親的怨恨減輕了。
「唉！父親會離開母親，原來是Uncle介入了他們的婚姻…。」安妮望著窗外，陽光下的雲層出神。

Chapter Three – Tsangyang Annie at the University of California, Berkeley
01
Founded in 1873, the University of California, Berkeley stands proudly with its classical architecture. Sunlight glinted off the ornate bronze gates as they cast a timeless glow.
Inside the art library, doctoral candidate Tsangyang Annie was browsing through materials on Buddhist mural art when she stumbled upon a book written in both English and Tibetan: Illustrated Compendium of Esoteric Tibetan Murals.
Curious, she murmured to herself,
“September 1960… Tsangyang Dolma? That’s Grandma’s name…”
Flipping through the pages, she found a photograph of her grandmother and her father as a child. She stared at it intently.
________________________________________
02
In a quiet suburban neighborhood near Berkeley, tree-lined streets stretched peacefully in every direction. Annie’s home sat among neat lawns and tidy houses.
Late at night, Annie sat at her desk, still reading the book. Exhausted, she eventually fell asleep.
Her mother, Grace, entered quietly with a jacket and draped it over her shoulders. Noticing the book, she picked it up and flipped through a few pages before gently guiding Annie to bed.
Holding the book, Grace murmured to herself,
“Is Annie thinking of returning to China?”
03
In the morning, Annie woke up and realized that the illustrated album on her desk was gone.
Mom must have taken it, she thought.
She walked into the dining area. Breakfast sandwiches and a glass of milk were set on the table. Grace was tidying up at the sink.
“Mom, where’s my book?” Annie asked.
“It’s on my desk in the bedroom,” Grace replied, turning around and untieing her apron.
“Annie… do you want to go back to China to look for your father?”
Annie nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.”
Grace sighed deeply and sat down across from her, holding her daughter’s hand tightly. Her voice trembled.
“What must come will come… In a few months, I won’t be here anymore.”
Annie froze. “Mom… why would you say that?”
“The doctors say I have a malignant brain tumor. It’s already out of control.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Annie asked, her voice quivering with reproach.
Grace’s eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t want you to worry. After I’m gone, go back to China… reunite with Zashi.”
________________________________________
04
An ambulance arrived at the Tsangyang residence. Medical staff stepped out and pulled a stretcher from the back.
Annie opened the door as the medics entered the house. Curious neighbors gathered nearby.
They helped Grace down the steps and laid her gently onto the stretcher. The medics and driver wheeled her into the ambulance. Annie leaned forward, touching her mother’s cheek.
“Mom, I’ll come to be with you soon.”
She stepped back as the doors closed. The ambulance pulled away while neighbors gathered around her.
“Annie, what happened to Grace?” someone asked.
“Late-stage brain cancer,” Annie replied softly.
“Is she going to hospice care?”
Annie nodded, tears welling in her eyes.
________________________________________
05
Holding a folder containing her doctoral proposal, Annie entered the director’s office.
“Uncle, this is my doctoral research proposal,” she said, handing over the folder.
“Let me take a look.”
Li Jianhua flipped through the pages.
“The Aesthetic Philosophy of Esoteric Buddhist Murals—a good topic, though gathering materials will take time.”
Annie handed him the illustrated volume.
“I found this in the library—The Illustrated Compendium of Tibetan Esoteric Murals.”
Li Jianhua smiled gently.
“So you wish to continue your grandmother Dolma’s research?”
Annie nodded.
“Yes.”
“How do you plan to conduct the research?”
“I want to return to my ancestral homeland in Tibet and conduct field studies over several months.”
“You should look for your father. He’s very familiar with Tibetan culture and religion. He teaches at the Chengdu Academy of Fine Arts.”
“But… how can I find him?”
“You’ll find him there. And Annie—how is Grace doing?”
Annie lowered her voice.
“I took her to a Catholic hospice.”
“What? You already know about her condition?”
“She told me herself. She asked me to return to China and find my father.”
“She didn’t want you to worry,” Li Jianhua sighed. “She’s at Sacred Heart Hospice, isn’t she?”
“Yes. I took her there yesterday.”
“I’ll visit her after work. Back in our university days, Zashi, Grace, and I studied together. Your father was a gifted poet—his love poems and songs captured Grace’s heart.”
Annie said quietly, with a trace of bitterness,
“But he abandoned my mother and me… and returned to China alone.”
Li Jianhua looked uneasy.
“There’s more to that story. Before you go to China, I’ll tell you the truth.”
________________________________________
06
In the hospice ward, Grace lay unconscious, an IV drip hanging by her bedside.
Annie sat beside her, holding the illustrated book.
Li Jianhua knocked softly and entered, carrying two cans of nutritional milk and a basket of fruit. They walked quietly to the bedside.
“Let her rest,” he whispered. “I’ll only stay a moment.”
He sat down, gazing at Grace with tenderness and regret.
Noticing his expression, Annie sensed there was more between him and her mother than friendship alone.
________________________________________
07
Grace’s condition worsened. She slipped into a coma, and the hospice notified Annie.
Annie rushed to the hospital. Doctors and nurses stood by the bed. She knelt beside her mother, gently touching her face, overwhelmed by sorrow for her lonely later years.
Suddenly, Grace opened her eyes.
“Annie… don’t blame your father, Zashi. I’m the one who wronged him.”
“Mom…” Annie whispered.
“Go back to China. Find your father. Help him fulfill Dolma’s final wish—to retrieve the handwritten poetry manuscript of Tsangyang Gyatso.”
“I will,” Annie replied softly. “I’ll go with him and fulfill Grandma’s wish.”
Grace looked at her daughter, smiled faintly, and slowly closed her eyes.
________________________________________
08
At the suburban cemetery, a pastor presided over Grace’s funeral.
After the eulogy, Annie placed a wreath on the coffin.
Li Jianhua held a bouquet of white lilies. As the coffin was lowered into the grave, he scattered the flowers and fell to his knees, covering his face as he wept. Annie stepped forward and helped him up.
After the service, they walked out of the cemetery together.
Li Jianhua handed Annie a brown envelope.
“Annie, inside are letters your father wrote to me. After reading them, don’t blame him anymore. The one who made the mistake… was me.”
Annie opened the envelope and saw several letters and a stack of cash.
“Uncle…”
“I know money is tight for you. Take this with you—you’ll need it when you return to China.”
Annie nodded silently.
________________________________________
09
Li Jianhua drove Annie to the airport terminal. After parking, they stepped inside together. Annie pulled her suitcase behind her.
“Annie, when you see Zashi in Chengdu, send him my regards,” he said.
She nodded. Li Jianhua hugged her and kissed her forehead.
He stood watching as she passed through immigration, waving goodbye.
________________________________________
10
Seated on the plane, Annie read the letters her father had written to Li Jianhua.
As she finished reading, her resentment toward her father slowly dissolved.
“So… it was Uncle who came between them,” she murmured softly.
She gazed out the window at the clouds glowing in the sunlight, lost in thought.