〈Parallel Universes〉 平行時空

19、〈平行時空〉

1
你相信「平行時空」的確存在嗎﹖看完我的故事，你要嘛不再半信半疑，要嘛認為我「卡到陰」或者「頭殼整組派了了去」。
半個下午，在學校裡推割草機，整理草坪，修剪花圃裡的花草樹枝，我這個年近半百的「老灰仔」，雖然身體疲累，但是看得見成果，心裡滿是欣慰。學校裡的幾個男老師，體格好年紀輕，可他們都對這些體力勞動敬而遠之，「畏苦怕難、好逸惡勞」是他們長期以來給我的印象。
我渾身汗漬回到公寓的家裡，洗過冷水澡，在梳妝鏡前刮鬍子。突然，鏡子裡的「我」竟然跟我唱反調，他先跟我扮鬼臉，趁我還來不及回過神，伸出手來抄走我的刮鬍刀。
「老哥，先別忙，我想跟你商量一下。」
「幹嘛捉弄我？刮鬍刀還我啦！」我被突如其來的動作嚇得不輕，隨即怒氣直衝上來。
「好啦！可你得幫我才行。」他把刮鬍刀遞出來給我。
「怎麼幫你？你生活在鏡子裡的世界啊。」
「我想跟你交換身分，體驗不同的生活。」
「那可不行，你又沒教書經驗。」
「我可以的，教小學生嘛，肯定很有趣。」他說得胸有成竹。
「那你現在的工作是？」
「開業律師囉，可這些年生意清淡，一週了不起接兩三個案子。」
「你說得輕鬆，我不會寫那些訴訟文書啊！」
「你可以的，你以前就曾經幫親友寫過訴狀。」
我驚訝問：「你是怎麼知道，知道這些事？」
「別忘了，你是我，我是你。你的事情我瞭如指掌。我們只是在大學畢業那年，出現分歧點時，各自做出了不同的選擇。」
「大學畢業那年，出現分歧點？你，把話說清楚來！」他的話立即讓我想起一件往事。
「你還記得那天和宜君學妹，在陽明山後山宿舍裡談判分手的那件事嗎？」
果然，他提起的正是我心裡一直遺憾的那件事。
「當時，你很硬頸，沒答應宜君的三項條件，宜君撐傘離開，你隨即反悔追出去，接著你被閃電給擊中，短暫失去意識。」
「記得啊！醒來後我人已經躺在醫院病床上。」
「是宜君回頭去找你，發現你躺在馬路邊，她攔了路過的計程車，把你送去醫院。從你被閃電擊昏的那一瞬間，就是你我各自的分歧點。」
我越聽越糊塗了，好奇問他：「怎樣的分歧點？」
「當時，出現平行時空，宜君折回來見我倒地，把我扶起來，卻發現還有個你躺在一旁，於是她先搧我耳光叫醒我，卻一時間叫不醒你，於是宜君要我陪她一起把你送去醫院。」
「你的意思是，我被雷擊後，出現兩個我？」我似乎聽懂了，可卻覺得這事情奇幻且詭異。
「是啊！宜君當時也是同樣的反應，直覺不可思議。我答應了她提出的三點條件，三年後我考取律師，和她共組家庭。」
「難怪！事後宜君再也沒跟我回電話，也不理我。」我恍然大悟，原來這才是事實的真相。
他娓娓說出：「可我成了開業律師後，生活就沒什麼變化，上班日不是待在事務所，就是跑法院。每天的訴訟文書，耗盡了我的精神體力，我放棄文學寫作，雖然賺到了好幾桶金子，日子卻越來越悶。除了短暫的出國旅行可以調劑身心，我其實活脫脫就是一部工作機器。」
「難道，宜君對你不好嗎？」
「宜君一直對我很好啊！她是個稱職的職業婦女，兼顧家庭和事業。」
「有事業和如花美眷，你是人生勝利組耶！那你還有什麼好抱怨的？」
「哎呀！老哥，我寧可是現在還單身的你，生活安逸不愁退休金，每天下班後就可以沉浸在文學天地裡。」
「你啊！做一行怨一行，其實，這三十年來，盡管寫了幾十本小說和劇本，可是我想拍電影的願望，卻一直沒能實現。」
「我知道你的情況，老哥，如果你願意跟我交換身分，我就想辦法幫你實現願望。我知道如何找到投資金主，讓你的劇本順利開拍。」
「真的嗎？你能幫我？」我燃起一絲希望。
他表情一派認真說：「你來當我，我來當你，各自體會不同的生活型態。」
「可我毫無心理準備，你能不能讓我考慮幾天？」我琢磨著，不該倉促做決定。
「好的，這個月的13號，星期五晚間，同樣這時候，我等你。」
說完，他跟我揮揮手，鏡面又恢復正常，我把鬍子刮完，回到書房坐在書桌前，翻開桌曆，在13號那天畫上紅色星號。
13號很快到來，這天我其實還沒做出決定。當我從學校忙完教室燈具修繕回來，走進浴室，才剛扭開水龍頭洗臉，鏡子裡面的那個「我」就出現了，以催促的語氣說︰「老哥，你準備好了嗎？」
我有些心虛地問︰「如果我反悔，可以隨時跟你交換回來嗎？」
他「吪」了一長聲，說︰「你想換回來前，要給我至少幾天時間，把身邊的事情做個收尾。這樣，我就不會給你帶來困擾。」
我說︰「這要求合情合理，好吧！那麼我們怎麼交換？」
「你跟著我的動作照著做，很簡單的。」他邊說邊舉起雙手，把那雙手掌貼在鏡面上，我跟著他的動作，舉起雙手，和他的手掌貼合。
一瞬間我感覺到一股電流，從雙掌灌入我的身體，我的身體形成一圈電流迴路，接著我發現竟然跟他互換身體。
我環視浴室，驚呼︰「哇賽！你家的浴室比我的臥室還寬敞，而且氣派豪華。」
他微笑著說︰「明天上午，地檢署出庭的文件，我都整理好，擱在我書房桌上。庭訊結束後，你就去我的事務所上班，助理會把接下來的訴訟案件卷宗，按時間順序交到你的小辦公室。」
我心想︰「哇哩嘞！剛交換身體，你就安排我上工。」
他似乎聽到我的抱怨，安撫我說︰「Don’t worry！有任何法律上的問題，你可以在腦海裡密我，我這頭立即會收到訊號，告訴你如何解答。同樣的，我這邊遇到什麼棘手的事情，也會立即密你，跟你問解答。」
正當我半信半疑，我竟然清楚聽到他的「內心話」︰「單身漢的生活，原來如此隨意，嘖嘖！整個浴室像座資源回收場…」。
隨後，他又交代說︰「上週宜君和閨密去日本旅遊，Line裡交代說搭傍晚五時的日亞航回來。開我的房車去，記得明晚七時到桃園機場入境大廳接她和閨密，房車停在律師事務所大樓的地下車庫。」
我還來不及回神，他就在鏡面上哈了一口氣，揮手擦拭兩下，鏡面裡的他就不見蹤影，留下我的影像，木頭般楞在現場。
我花了約莫十分鐘，對這個新家的客廳和每個房間，來一趟「簡單扼要」的巡禮。
好野人的別墅，格調果然不一般，素雅的裝潢搭配簡單卻有質感的原木傢具，客廳和書房採光通風都很棒，主臥室擺設兩張單人床，引起我的疑心︰「小倆口該不會貌合神離，長期處於矛盾狀態…」。望著梳妝台上那張全家福合照，想起剛才巡禮這家屋時，有兩間內部擺設看來應該是小孩房，床上覆蓋著床單，似乎已經閒置有段時間。

2
在地檢署偵查庭走廊，我和委託的原告陳桑會合，在長條椅上與他進行一段開庭前的沙盤推演。「像不像三分樣」，我向陳桑提醒幾個答題重點，陳桑很認真聽進去，並且拿出巴掌大小筆記本，分點紀錄下這幾個重點。
九時十分，我陪同陳桑進入偵查庭室內，坐在陳桑身後的座位，檢察官核對雙方身分、地址等基本資料後，開始向原告陳桑發問︰「原告，你在告訴狀裡主張說，被告楊女以兩個臉書帳號同時與你通訊，一個假扮你的學生，一個引導你下單買賣股票，你合理懷疑被告為一個有縝密分工的詐欺集團，被告楊女只是這集團出面跟你接頭的角色…。」
就在這時，我的腦海裡有個清楚的聲音響起︰「老哥，代誌大條了，你的小老闆總務主任羅嬌嬌，交代我盡快在週一前，把兩處走廊上破損的地磚修補起來，我該怎麼辦？這種粗重的體力活我恐怕…」
我心裡得意的暗笑︰「沒那個尻川，就別食那款瀉藥，要你知道我這個事務組長，一身修繕的本事可也是苦學而來的。」
「原告律師，就原告剛才陳述，你有沒有要補充的地方﹖」
「你去找老校工鍾大哥，請他喝杯冰咖啡，他就會帶著你做。在我接任事務組長的頭一年，前面三個月都是他帶著我，修繕校園設備的。我的一身本事，都是跟他學習的。」
「你說鍾大哥啊﹖主任說他請喪假，回屏東老家三個星期，我哪有你的本事啊！這回看樣子我會慘兮兮喔…」
「原告律師，你到底在說什麼啊？」檢察官拉高分貝說︰「請回答本席剛才的提問！」
發現檢察官臉色有些不悅，我這才猛然回神過來。
「喔！對不起，我剛才分神了。請檢座再提示一下問題。」
「本座問你，就你的原告剛才陳述，你有沒有要補充的地方﹖」
我拉鬆了一下領帶，扭動了幾下頸子，鎮定地說︰「原告律師要補充的重點是，被告楊女居然在常╳塵的臉書上公然貼文，以被告楊女的男友身分，顛倒黑白說是原告私約被告楊女見面時，趁她上廁所，從她皮包裡偷取她的第一銀行╳╳分行金融卡，並且隨後分數次，從帳戶中共盜領新台幣68萬元，揚言提告原告竊盜。公然毀謗原告名譽，然而被告卻在前次偵查庭庭訊裡，坦承她一人分飾三角，常╳塵和朱╳德這兩個都是被告楊女的分身帳號，除非被告楊女有精神分裂症的病歷，否則不可能有前後自相矛盾的供詞。所以，本席合理推論，被告楊女其實身後有個集團，分工進行網路詐騙，因為分工扮演常╳塵的共犯，見女友也就是被告楊女，被原告在臉書上指控詐欺，女友受到羞辱一時沉不住氣，才出言指控原告偷竊金融卡盜領帳戶款項，惡人先告狀反過來恐嚇原告竊盜。足可證明被告楊女和常╳塵，明顯分屬兩人，而且是男女朋友關係。」
檢察官隨即又問︰「你必須提出有力證據，佐證被告楊女和常╳塵分屬兩人。」
「救狼喔！老哥，修理地磚要使用那些工具啊？我現在人在工具室裡，你快些告訴我啦。」
分身的聲音再次響起，中斷我的思路，我回答說︰「工具架左邊有一部手持式插電砂輪機，你把砂輪圓盤換成切刀盤，就可以拿來切開地磚間的水泥，一片片將破損的地磚切開拆下…」
「原告律師，羅律師，你又怎麼了﹖本案跟你說的砂輪機毫不相關，請你尊重本座問話。」女檢察官那張粉臉漸漸變紅色，我直覺再不找個說詞，惹毛女檢座，搞不好被她當庭轟出去。
「檢座，對…對，對不起！最近這幾天我可能太操勞，突然出現幻聽症狀，忍不住喃喃自言自語，我會盡快就醫診療。」
這時，被告律師竟然「插花」調侃說︰「我說羅大律師啊！你的症狀依我推測應該是"中邪"，俗稱"卡到陰"啦，庭訊結束後，你得先去找個法師收驚，好好休息一陣子嘿！」
「被告律師，本座沒讓你發言，請你要自重！」女檢察官轉向被告律師，出言警告，被告律師立即收起嘻皮笑臉。
我漸漸搞清楚狀況，原來只要我把心思「切換」到另一個頻道，處理或回答另一個時空的「我」的問題時，這時空的我就會不由自主地跟他「對話」，而旁人聽起來就會以為，我要不是自說自話，就是故意牛頭不對馬嘴，給跟我對話者「難堪」，難怪女檢察官第二回會反應激烈。
「檢察官，我的當事人交給我一張截圖，是那個常╳塵和我當事人陳桑之間的私訊對話，常╳塵反駁陳桑對其真實身分的質疑，說出︰"我不是你說的那個楊╳儀，我是她的男友，不信邪的話，等地檢署出庭時，我就陪著我女友楊╳儀，一起出庭和你過招。"這張截圖就在我手上，請檢座當庭過目。」說完，我隨即將那張截圖遞給書記官，由書記官轉呈女檢座。
女檢座看過後，隨即詰問被告︰「被告，這張截圖，你上前來確認一下，是不是你和原告在臉書上私訊的對話內容﹖」
被告楊女趨前幾步，接過那張截圖，看了一下回答說︰「這張截圖的內容，是我跟原告之間的對話。」
檢察官立即追問︰「可是對話裡的內容，卻是妳男朋友常╳塵的口吻，這點妳要如何解釋？」
被告楊女這時表情略顯緊張，回過頭望著他的辯護律師。女檢察官再問︰「原告，請你據實回答本座提出的疑點！」
被告楊女回神說︰「這張截圖是因為原告向我催債甚急，於是我故意以我男友口吻來嚇唬他，這張截圖的確是我跟原告的對話…」
「哇哩嘞，原來律師辯護工作如此傷腦筋，這劇情簡直就是諜對諜的推理劇，這個被告看她年紀輕輕，心思卻如此縝密而且臨場表現如此鎮定，看來這年頭搞網路詐騙，還真要有些過人的膽識和演技才行…」我心裡想著，這時，我的分身老弟話音又起︰「老哥，我不會拆卸和使用砂輪機啊，你得耐心教會我，以免我的修繕工作凸槌，往後被羅嬌嬌主任叮得滿頭包。」
這回，我總算學乖了，按耐住性子，決計暫時不理會另一個時空的「我」。
總算挨到偵查庭訊問結束，女檢座要求我的原告當事人陳桑，下次出庭時提出新證據。
走廊上我和陳桑叮嚀了幾句，提著公事包就往男廁去。站在小便池前，當我拉開西裝長褲拉鍊，正在掏出那話兒時，另一個時空的「我」又再次「傳音入密」︰「老哥，剛才你怎麼都不回答我的提問啊？」
那個「我」終於把這時空的我給惹火，我大聲說︰「兄弟！你嘛幫幫忙，你忘了我剛才正在偵查庭裡面公忙嗎？」
「我當然知道你正在出庭啊！可那個案子只是個小Case，我相信以你的智慧能應對自如。反而我的情況比較緊急，剛才我愣在工具室裡，不知道該如何著手。」
「我的智慧能應對自如？我聽你在叭噗啦！你可是吃這行飯的，我只是來代班，臨時客串的。你不會操作砂輪機更換地磚，就上網去油管裡尋找，那裡有教學短片教你每個施工步驟，你就別完全依賴我，遇到問題要自己想方設法去解決…」我越講火氣越大，這才發現整個男廁裡的幾雙眼球，都聚焦在我的臉上，我低下頭，趕緊把一對無線耳機塞進耳朵，佯裝正在講耳機，然後扶著水管解尿…。

3
鑽進房車，我開啟衛星導航，設定好目標︰「律師事務所」。
吹著冷氣，我的心思卻一直平靜不下來︰「上智者勞心，下愚者勞力」，古人可沒晃點我，偵查庭上那個被告楊女，分明就謊話連篇破綻百出，卻總是以弱者姿態，裝得楚楚可憐博取同情，人性裡的趨吉避凶，果然足以扭曲事實真相。這種爾虞我詐的生活，就算能日進斗金，真的並不適合心思簡單，跟小朋友整天廝混的我…。昨晚，我為什麼腦殼發熱，答應另一個時空的「我」，跟他交換身體？難不成只為了想要再見到宜君嗎？
「二十年成一夢，此身雖在堪驚」，二十年前，發生雷擊的當下，既然我沒被宜君喚醒，就注定往後各自的命運。命運之手，給了我另一個截然不同的時空和人生，要我在校園裡當個喜劇演員，在課堂上逗樂小朋友，授業解惑，過著簡單平靜，卻相對自由的教書生涯，下班後沉浸在文學創作的天地，扮演小說裡無所不知無所不能的「上帝」︰作者。
進到律師事務所，躲進另一個「我」的小辦公室，面對桌上堆疊的訴訟卷宗，紊亂的思緒完全融化糾結，變成黏糊糊的一團物質，跟小朋友喜歡隨手把玩的「鼻涕蟲」，簡直就是同樣形態的東西，令我非常非常懊惱。
我耐著性子逐一翻閱桌面上的每個檔案，裡面的訴訟文件都是助理律師撰寫的，我逐句逐段閱讀，讀到頭昏眼花，感覺腦汁都結成果凍，思維整著凝固︰「這種天天絞盡腦汁的案牘工作，哪是我願意過的生活？勾心鬥角，完全沒有生活樂趣和品質嘛，我的老天鵝啊！」
五點剛過，手機就出現宜君的Line留言︰「老公，我的飛機七點到桃園機場，大約三四十分鐘左右，就能推著行李出海關，記得到入境大廳出口處等我喔。我為你帶了一些胃腸藥，還買了你喜歡的Canon單眼數位相機，昨天是你生日，給你補做慶生。婆婆宜君。」
我隨即離開小辦公室，跟其中一個助理交代說，我去桃機接太座。
在入境大廳等待半小時，七時四十分，一群旅客走出來，其中一個蓄著男士西裝頭，穿著男性西裝襯衫和長褲，還披著西裝背心，推著行李手推車的「男士」向我揮手，我定睛一看，心裡泛起嘀咕︰「我的老天鵝啊！宜君幾時變得如此男性化？全家福那張合照裡，梳著長髮的宜君，怎麼熬成個外表精悍的男人婆嘞﹖」
宜君身旁跟著那個穿套裝的女人，應該就是她的閨密了，兩人走在一起，沒細看還以為是一對出遊回來的夫妻呢！
剛把宜君和閨密的行李擺放進後車箱，坐在後座的兩個女人，就開始輪流抱怨起旅途中又濕又冷的下雪天氣，一個說︰「沒想到秋田的雪，下得那麼綿密，要我在那裡多待一個星期，我恐怕就會變成傳說中，掛著兩行長長鼻涕的雪女了。」一個回應說︰「就是啊！那座什麼滑雪場的，人擠人根本和饒河夜市沒兩樣，餐廳裡的飲食又貴又難吃，真是花錢找罪受啊！」
兩個女人似乎刻意抱怨給我聽，直到房車離開機場支線，轉往台北的中山高，宜君這時從後照鏡裡，發現不一樣的「我」。
「老公，怎麼我才去日本十天，你就變成街頭遊民似的，鬍子沒刮，頭髮跟油麵一樣油亮，還有，身上的汗臭味，你到底幾天沒洗澡也沒換洗衣服？……」宜君
竟然火力全開，對著我叭啦叭啦，開始一長串數落。
握著方向盤的我，這時如惡夢初醒，心想︰「原來，生活環境才是最誠實的雕刻師，我心裡掛念二十年的宜君，已然變成慫擱有力的女強人，感謝命運之神，當年給了我單身和自由自在的生活…。」
回到家裡，宜君不由分說，將我推去浴室，要我「整飾儀容」，變回「紳士」該有的樣子。站在那面鏡前，我伸手敲著鏡面，另一個「我」隨即出現。
我連珠炮似地抱怨說︰「兄弟，我不想玩，說實話也玩不下去了！你的律師世界，白天絞盡腦汁，回家後還要配合太座的指令動作，簡直跟套著項圈的家犬沒兩樣。這種好野人的生活，金玉其表而已，根本不是我能適應的。」
鏡子裡的那個「我」也抱怨說︰「老哥，我比你悽慘一千倍好嗎﹖這週末我得去學校加班，施工更換地磚，我很難想像也搞不懂，三不五時把自己搞得臭汗淋漓且灰頭土臉，這種既勞心又勞力的苦日子，你怎麼還能過得那麼逆來順受？」
經過彼此相互抱怨，我倆很快達成共識︰「做回原來的自己」。可那個「我」卻突然想到，必須在下一回的「黑天鵝日︰13號星期五，那個晚上，地球磁場旋轉180度，時間蟲洞開啟，才能交換回來」，聽完，我趕緊衝出浴室，回寢室抓起手機查閱月曆，很快找到下一個黑天鵝日︰「我的黑天鵝啊！還要等上六個月，要是能熬過這半年而沒有花轟，第一時間我一定要先拆掉浴室裡，那片可怕的鏡子…。」

(全文完)

19. “Parallel Universes”

### 1

Do you believe that “parallel universes” really exist? After reading my story, you will either stop being half-convinced and half-doubtful, or you will think that I have been “haunted” or that I have “completely lost my marbles.”

For half an afternoon, I pushed a lawn mower around the school, tidying up the lawn and trimming the flowers, grass, and branches in the flower beds. Although I, an “old guy” nearing fifty, was physically exhausted, seeing the results filled me with satisfaction. Several of the male teachers at the school were young and in good physical shape, yet they all kept their distance from this kind of physical labor. “Afraid of hardship and difficulty, fond of ease and allergic to work” had long been my impression of them.

I returned to my apartment drenched in sweat, took a cold shower, and shaved in front of the bathroom mirror. Suddenly, the “me” in the mirror actually went against me. First, he made a funny face at me, and before I could react, he reached out and snatched my razor.

“Bro, hold on. I want to discuss something with you.”

“Why are you messing with me? Give me back my razor!” The sudden movement startled me badly, and anger immediately surged through me.

“All right! But you have to help me first.” He handed the razor back to me.

“How am I supposed to help you? You live in the world inside the mirror.”

“I want to exchange identities with you and experience a different kind of life.”

“That won’t work. You have no teaching experience.”

“I can do it. Teaching elementary school students must be a lot of fun.” He sounded completely confident.

“So what is your job now?”

“I’m a practicing lawyer. But business has been slow these past few years. At most, I get two or three cases a week.”

“You make it sound easy. I don’t know how to write all those legal pleadings!”

“You can do it. You’ve written complaints and legal documents for relatives and friends before.”

I asked in surprise, “How do you know about all that?”

“Don’t forget, you are me, and I am you. I know everything about you. We simply made different choices when a divergence point appeared in the year we graduated from college.”

“A divergence point in the year we graduated from college? You’d better explain yourself!” His words immediately reminded me of something from the past.

“Do you remember that day when you and your junior, Yijun, negotiated your breakup at the dormitory on the back mountain of Yangmingshan?”

Sure enough, he was talking about the very thing I had always regretted.

“At the time, you were so stubborn that you refused Yijun’s three conditions. Yijun left with an umbrella, and you immediately changed your mind and chased after her. Then you were struck by lightning and briefly lost consciousness.”

“I remember! When I woke up, I was already lying in a hospital bed.”

“Yijun turned back to look for you and found you lying beside the road. She stopped a passing taxi and took you to the hospital. From the instant you were knocked unconscious by the lightning, that was the divergence point for you and me.”

The more I listened, the more confused I became. I asked curiously, “What kind of divergence point?”

“At that moment, a parallel universe appeared. Yijun came back and saw me lying on the ground. She helped me up, but then discovered that there was another you lying nearby. So she first slapped me to wake me up, but she couldn’t wake you for the time being. Then Yijun asked me to accompany her in taking you to the hospital.”

“You mean that after I was struck by lightning, there were two of me?” I seemed to understand, yet I found the whole thing both fantastical and bizarre.

“Yes! Yijun had the same reaction at the time. She instinctively found it unbelievable. I agreed to the three conditions she proposed, and three years later, I passed the bar exam and started a family with her.”

“No wonder! Afterward, Yijun never returned my calls or paid any attention to me.” I suddenly understood. So this was the real truth.

He slowly explained, “But after I became a practicing lawyer, my life didn’t really change. On workdays, I was either in the office or running to court. The legal documents I had to prepare every day drained me mentally and physically. I gave up writing literature. Although I made several fortunes, life became more and more stifling. Other than brief trips abroad to refresh myself, I was basically nothing more than a working machine.”

“Could it be that Yijun isn’t good to you?”

“Yijun has always treated me very well! She is a responsible working woman who takes care of both her family and her career.”

“You have a career and a beautiful wife. You’re one of life’s winners! What could you possibly have to complain about?”

“Oh, come on, bro! I’d rather be you, still single, living comfortably without worrying about retirement income, and able to immerse yourself in the world of literature after work every day.”

“You’re always complaining about whatever line of work you’re in. Actually, over the past thirty years, although I’ve written dozens of novels and screenplays, my dream of making movies has never come true.”

“I know your situation, bro. If you’re willing to exchange identities with me, I’ll find a way to make your dream come true. I know how to find investors and get your screenplay into production.”

“Really? You can help me?” A glimmer of hope rose in me.

He said with a completely serious expression, “You become me, and I become you. We can each experience a different way of life.”

“But I’m completely unprepared. Can you give me a few days to think about it?” I pondered the matter, knowing I shouldn’t make a hasty decision.

“All right. On Friday the thirteenth of this month, at the same time in the evening, I’ll be waiting for you.”

With that, he waved to me. The mirror returned to normal. I finished shaving and went back to my study, sat down at my desk, opened my calendar, and drew a red star on the thirteenth.

The thirteenth came quickly. In fact, I still hadn’t made up my mind. After finishing a busy day at school repairing classroom lighting fixtures, I walked into the bathroom. Just as I turned on the faucet to wash my face, the “me” inside the mirror appeared and said impatiently, “Bro, are you ready?”

I asked somewhat guiltily, “If I change my mind, can I exchange back with you at any time?”

He let out a long “Hmm” and said, “Before you want to switch back, you have to give me at least a few days to wrap up the things around me. That way, I won’t cause you any trouble.”

I said, “That’s perfectly reasonable. All right! So how do we switch?”

“Just follow my movements. It’s very simple.” As he spoke, he raised both hands and pressed his palms against the mirror. I followed his movements, raised both hands, and pressed my palms against his.

In an instant, I felt an electric current surge into my body through both palms. A circuit of electricity formed around my body, and then I realized that I had actually exchanged bodies with him.

I looked around the bathroom and exclaimed, “Wow! Your bathroom is more spacious than my bedroom, and it’s so grand and luxurious.”

He smiled and said, “I’ve already organized the documents you’ll need for tomorrow morning’s appearance at the District Prosecutors Office and left them on my study desk. After the hearing, go to my law office and start work. My assistant will deliver the case files for the upcoming litigation to your small office in chronological order.”

I thought to myself, “Holy crap! We just exchanged bodies, and you’re already putting me to work.”

He seemed to hear my complaint and reassured me, “Don’t worry! If you have any legal questions, you can message me in your mind. I’ll immediately receive the signal and tell you how to answer them. Likewise, if I run into any difficult problems on my side, I’ll immediately message you and ask for your solution.”

Just as I was still half-convinced and half-doubtful, I clearly heard his “inner thoughts”: “So this is what the life of a bachelor is like. What a mess! Tsk, tsk! The whole bathroom looks like a recycling center…”

Then he added, “Last week, Yijun traveled to Japan with her best friend. She said in Line that they’d be taking the evening five o’clock flight back. Take my sedan there. Remember to pick her and her best friend up at the arrival hall of Taoyuan Airport at seven tomorrow evening. The sedan is parked in the underground garage of the law-office building.”

Before I could recover from the shock, he breathed onto the mirror, waved his hand across it twice, and wiped it clean. The image of him disappeared from the mirror, leaving only my own reflection standing there, frozen like a wooden statue.

I spent about ten minutes taking a “brief and to-the-point” tour of the living room and every room in my new home.

The villa of a wealthy man really was on another level. The elegant, understated décor was matched with simple yet tasteful solid-wood furniture. The living room and study had excellent natural light and ventilation. The master bedroom contained two single beds, which aroused my suspicion: “Could it be that this couple only appears to be affectionate, while they’ve actually been living in conflict for a long time…?” Looking at the family portrait on the vanity, I remembered that during my tour of the house just now, there were two rooms whose interiors looked like children’s bedrooms. The beds were covered with sheets, as though they had been unused for quite some time.

### 2

In the corridor outside the investigation room at the District Prosecutors Office, I met up with Mr. Chen, the plaintiff I represented, and conducted a pre-hearing rehearsal with him on a long bench. “You have to get the general idea right,” I reminded Mr. Chen of several key points in answering the questions. He listened very seriously and took out a palm-sized notebook to record these points one by one.

At 9:10, I accompanied Mr. Chen into the investigation room and sat in the seat behind him. After the prosecutor verified both parties’ identities, addresses, and other basic information, she began questioning the plaintiff, Mr. Chen: “Plaintiff, in your complaint, you claim that the defendant, Ms. Yang, communicated with you through two Facebook accounts at the same time. One account pretended to be your student, while the other led you into buying and selling stocks. You reasonably suspect that the defendant belongs to a fraud ring with a carefully organized division of labor, and that Ms. Yang is merely the person who came forward to make contact with you on behalf of the group…”

At that moment, a clear voice sounded in my mind: “Bro, we’ve got a serious problem. Your little boss, General Affairs Director Luo Jiaojiao, told me to repair the damaged floor tiles in two corridors before Monday. What am I supposed to do? I’m afraid this kind of heavy physical labor…”

I secretly laughed smugly to myself: “If you don’t have the ass for the job, don’t take the laxative. You should know that I didn’t become a facilities team leader overnight. I had to work hard to learn all these repair skills.”

“Counsel for the plaintiff, based on the plaintiff’s statement just now, do you have anything to add?”

“Go find Old Zhong, the veteran school maintenance worker, and buy him a cup of iced coffee. He’ll show you how to do it. During my first year as facilities team leader, he trained me for the first three months, repairing the school’s equipment. Everything I know, I learned from him.”

“You mean Brother Zhong? The director said he took bereavement leave and went back to his hometown in Pingtung for three weeks. How could I possibly have your skills? Looks like I’m going to be in miserable shape this time…”

“Counsel, what exactly are you talking about?” The prosecutor raised her voice. “Please answer the question I just asked!”

Seeing that the prosecutor looked somewhat displeased, I suddenly came back to my senses.

“Oh! I’m sorry. My mind wandered just now. Could you please repeat the question, Prosecutor?”

“I asked you, based on your plaintiff’s statement just now, do you have anything to add?”

I loosened my tie slightly, rolled my neck a few times, and said calmly, “The point counsel for the plaintiff wishes to add is that Ms. Yang actually posted publicly on Chang╳chen’s Facebook page, pretending to be the defendant Ms. Yang’s boyfriend and deliberately distorting the facts. She claimed that when the plaintiff privately arranged to meet the defendant Ms. Yang, he stole her First Bank ╳╳ Branch ATM card from her purse while she was in the restroom, and then withdrew a total of NT$680,000 from her account in several transactions. She even threatened to file a theft complaint against the plaintiff. She publicly defamed the plaintiff’s reputation. However, during the previous investigation hearing, the defendant admitted that she had played three roles herself. Both Chang╳chen and Zhu╳de were alternate accounts operated by the defendant Ms. Yang. Unless Ms. Yang has a documented history of dissociative identity disorder, it would be impossible for her to give statements that contradict each other so completely. Therefore, I reasonably infer that Ms. Yang actually has a group behind her, working together to conduct online fraud. Because the accomplice playing the role of Chang╳chen saw his girlfriend, namely the defendant Ms. Yang, being accused of fraud by the plaintiff on Facebook, and because his girlfriend was humiliated and lost her temper, he turned around and accused the plaintiff of stealing her bank card and withdrawing money from her account, with the wrongdoer accusing the victim and threatening the plaintiff with a theft charge. This is sufficient to prove that Ms. Yang and Chang╳chen are clearly two separate people, and that they are boyfriend and girlfriend.”

The prosecutor immediately asked again, “You must present strong evidence to substantiate that Ms. Yang and Chang╳chen are two separate people.”

“Help me out, bro! What tools do I use to repair the floor tiles? I’m in the tool room right now. Hurry up and tell me!”

The other self’s voice sounded again, interrupting my train of thought. I answered, “On the left side of the tool rack, there’s a handheld electric angle grinder. Replace the grinding wheel with a cutting disc, and you can use it to cut through the cement between the floor tiles. Cut around the damaged tiles one by one and remove them…”

“Counsel Luo, what’s wrong with you again? The angle grinder you’re talking about has absolutely nothing to do with this case. Please show some respect for my questions.” The female prosecutor’s fair face gradually turned red. I instinctively knew that if I didn’t come up with an explanation, I might anger her so badly that she would throw me out of the hearing room.

“Prosecutor, I… I’m sorry! I may have been working too hard these past few days. I suddenly started experiencing auditory hallucinations and couldn’t stop mumbling to myself. I’ll seek medical treatment as soon as possible.”

At this point, the defendant’s lawyer actually “joined in” and teased me: “Counsel Luo, in my opinion, your symptoms are probably the result of being possessed by an evil spirit. In common parlance, you’ve been ‘haunted.’ After the hearing, you’d better find a Taoist priest to perform a ritual to calm your spirit, and get yourself some good rest!”

“Counsel for the defendant, I did not give you permission to speak. Please conduct yourself appropriately!” The female prosecutor turned toward the defendant’s lawyer and warned him. The defense lawyer immediately wiped the smirk off his face.

I gradually figured out what was happening. It turned out that whenever I “switched” my thoughts to another channel to handle or answer a question from the “me” in the other universe, the me in this universe would involuntarily “talk” to him. To everyone else, it sounded as though I was either talking to myself or deliberately responding completely off-topic and embarrassing the person speaking to me. No wonder the female prosecutor had reacted so strongly the second time.

“Prosecutor, my client gave me a screenshot of a private-message conversation between Chang╳chen and my client, Mr. Chen. Chang╳chen rejected Mr. Chen’s doubts about his true identity and said, ‘I am not that Yang╳yi you are talking about. I am her boyfriend. If you don’t believe me, I’ll accompany my girlfriend Yang╳yi to the District Prosecutors Office hearing, and we’ll face you together.’ I have this screenshot in my possession. Please examine it in court.” After saying this, I immediately handed the screenshot to the court clerk, who passed it on to the female prosecutor.

After examining it, the prosecutor immediately questioned the defendant: “Defendant, please come forward and confirm whether the contents of this screenshot are the private messages between you and the plaintiff on Facebook.”

Ms. Yang, the defendant, stepped forward several paces, took the screenshot, looked at it, and answered, “The contents of this screenshot are a conversation between me and the plaintiff.”

The prosecutor immediately followed up: “But the content of the conversation is written in the tone of your boyfriend, Chang╳chen. How do you explain that?”

Ms. Yang’s expression became slightly tense. She turned and looked at her defense attorney. The female prosecutor asked again, “Plaintiff, please answer the question I have raised truthfully!”

Ms. Yang came back to her senses and said, “The reason for this screenshot is that the plaintiff was pressing me very hard to repay a debt, so I deliberately used my boyfriend’s tone to scare him. This screenshot really is a conversation between me and the plaintiff…”

“Holy crap! So being a lawyer is really mentally exhausting. This whole plot is practically a spy-versus-spy detective story. This defendant looks so young, yet she is so calculating and so composed under pressure. Apparently, these days, if you want to run an online scam, you really need extraordinary nerve and acting skills…” I thought to myself.

At that moment, the voice of my counterpart in the other universe sounded again: “Bro, I don’t know how to dismantle or use an angle grinder. You have to patiently teach me so I don’t screw up the repair work and end up getting chewed out by Director Luo Jiaojiao.”

This time, I had finally learned my lesson. I held my temper and decided not to pay attention to the “me” in the other universe for the time being.

I finally made it through the investigation hearing. The female prosecutor instructed my plaintiff client, Mr. Chen, to present new evidence at the next hearing.

In the corridor, I gave Mr. Chen a few reminders, then picked up my briefcase and headed for the men’s restroom. Standing in front of the urinal, I unzipped my suit trousers and was reaching for my private parts when the “me” in the other universe once again “sent a secret transmission into my mind”: “Bro, why didn’t you answer my questions just now?”

That “me” finally made the me in this universe lose his temper. I shouted, “Brother! Give me a break! Did you forget that I was busy with official business in the investigation room just now?”

“Of course I know you were in court! But that case was just a small case. I believe that with your intelligence, you could handle it with ease. My situation, on the other hand, was more urgent. I was standing there frozen in the tool room just now, not knowing where to begin.”

“My intelligence lets me handle it with ease? Yeah, right! You’re the one who makes a living in this profession. I’m just filling in for you, making a temporary guest appearance. If you don’t know how to operate an angle grinder and replace the floor tiles, go online and look it up on YouTube. There are instructional videos showing you every step of the job. Don’t rely entirely on me. When you run into a problem, figure out a way to solve it yourself…” The angrier I became, the louder I spoke. Only then did I realize that several pairs of eyes in the entire men’s restroom were focused on my face. I lowered my head, quickly stuffed a pair of wireless earbuds into my ears, pretended I was talking on my earbuds, and held onto the water pipe while relieving myself…

### 3

I climbed into the sedan, turned on the GPS navigation, and set the destination: “Law Office.”

With the air conditioning blowing, I still couldn’t calm my mind: “The wise are troubled by mental labor, while the foolish are troubled by physical labor.” The ancients certainly weren’t kidding me. The defendant Ms. Yang at the investigation hearing was clearly full of lies and contradictions, yet she constantly presented herself as a vulnerable victim, pretending to be pitiful and winning sympathy. The human instinct to seek benefit and avoid harm really is enough to distort the truth of reality. A life of mutual deception like this, even if it could bring in money by the day, really wasn’t suited to someone as simple-minded as me, someone who spent all day with children…

Why had I heated up and agreed to exchange bodies with the “me” in the other universe last night? Could it be that I simply wanted to see Yijun again?

“Twenty years have become a dream; though this body remains, it is enough to make me tremble.” Twenty years ago, at the very moment the lightning struck, since Yijun failed to wake me, our respective fates were already destined. The hand of fate had given me another universe and another life entirely, asking me to become a comedian on campus, entertain children in the classroom, teach them and answer their questions, and live a simple, peaceful, yet relatively free teaching career. After work, I could immerse myself in the world of literary creation and play the all-knowing, all-powerful “God” in my novels: the author.

After entering the law office, I hid in the small office belonging to the other “me.” Facing the stacks of litigation files piled on the desk, my chaotic thoughts completely melted and tangled together, becoming a sticky mass of matter. It looked exactly like the “snot worm” children loved to fiddle with, which made me extremely, extremely frustrated.

I patiently went through every file on the desk one by one. The legal documents inside had all been written by the assistant lawyers. I read them sentence by sentence and paragraph by paragraph until my eyes became bleary. I felt as though my brain had turned into jelly and my thoughts had completely solidified: “How could this kind of paperwork, requiring me to rack my brain every single day, possibly be the life I want? All this scheming and maneuvering—there’s absolutely no fun or quality of life! Oh, my God!”

Just after five, a Line message from Yijun appeared on my phone: “Honey, my flight arrives at Taoyuan Airport at seven. It should take about thirty or forty minutes for me to get through customs with my luggage. Remember to wait for me at the exit of the arrival hall. I brought you some stomach medicine and also bought you the Canon digital SLR camera you like. Yesterday was your birthday, so I’m making up for your birthday celebration. Your wife, Yijun.”

I immediately left the small office and told one of the assistants that I was going to Taoyuan Airport to pick up my wife.

I waited in the arrival hall for half an hour. At 7:40, a group of passengers came out. One of them was a “man” with a man’s business haircut, wearing a men’s suit shirt and trousers, with a suit vest over them, and pushing a luggage cart. The “man” waved at me. I took a closer look and muttered to myself, “Oh, my God! When did Yijun become so masculine? In that family portrait, Yijun had long hair. How did she turn into such a tough-looking tomboy?”

Beside Yijun was a woman wearing a suit, who must have been her best friend. The two of them walking together, if you didn’t look closely, could easily have been mistaken for a married couple returning from a trip.

After I had just put Yijun’s and her best friend’s luggage into the trunk, the two women sitting in the back seat began taking turns complaining about the wet and cold snowy weather during their trip. One said, “I never expected the snow in Akita to fall so thick and continuously. If I had to stay there for another week, I’d probably turn into the legendary Snow Woman with two long streams of snot hanging from my nose.”

The other replied, “Exactly! That ski resort—or whatever it was called—was so crowded that it was no different from Raohe Night Market. The food in the restaurants was expensive and terrible. It was really like paying money to suffer!”

The two women seemed to be deliberately complaining for my benefit. It wasn’t until the sedan left the airport expressway and turned onto the Sun Yat-sen Freeway toward Taipei that Yijun noticed something different about the “me” in the rearview mirror.

“Honey, I was only gone to Japan for ten days, and you’ve already turned into a street vagrant. You haven’t shaved, your hair is as greasy and shiny as oily noodles, and that smell of sweat on you—how many days has it been since you showered or changed your clothes?…”

Yijun suddenly went into full attack mode, rattling off a long string of complaints at me.

Holding the steering wheel, I suddenly woke up as though from a nightmare and thought to myself, “So the living environment really is the most honest sculptor. The Yijun I had longed for over twenty years has already become a tough and powerful career woman. Thank heaven for the god of fate, who gave me a single and carefree life back then…”

When we returned home, Yijun wasted no time pushing me into the bathroom and ordering me to “tidy up my appearance,” turning me back into the “gentleman” I was supposed to be.

Standing before the mirror, I reached out and knocked on its surface. The other “me” immediately appeared.

I complained in a rapid-fire stream, “Brother, I don’t want to play this game anymore. To be honest, I can’t keep playing it! In your lawyer’s world, you have to rack your brain all day, and when you get home, you still have to follow your wife’s orders. You’re practically no different from a house dog wearing a collar. This rich man’s life is nothing but outward appearances. It’s completely unsuitable for me.”

The “me” in the mirror also complained, “Bro, I’m a thousand times more miserable than you, okay? This weekend I have to go to school and work overtime, replacing floor tiles. I can hardly imagine or understand how you can keep getting yourself drenched in foul-smelling sweat and covered in dust every now and then. How can you put up with a life that is both mentally and physically exhausting?”

After complaining to each other, we quickly reached a consensus: “Go back to being our original selves.”

But that “me” suddenly remembered that we had to wait until the next “Black Swan Day”—Friday the thirteenth. That night, the Earth’s magnetic field would rotate 180 degrees, the time wormhole would open, and only then could we exchange back.

After hearing this, I rushed out of the bathroom, ran back to the bedroom, grabbed my phone, and checked the calendar. I quickly found the next Black Swan Day: “My Black Swan! I still have to wait six months. If I can make it through these six months without going crazy, the first thing I’ll do is tear that terrifying mirror out of the bathroom…”

(End)